Untitled
She sat on the porch of their run-down
town home and watched the sun rise.
The dull roar of the city awakening ruined the beauty of it all. This was never what she wanted: city
life, city folk, people who go to work 9 to 5 and come home to their boring
lives with someone who just seemed okay enough to marry. She wanted big blue skies and open
fields for miles and miles.
Her wedding was as good as it could’ve been
under the circumstances. Her
husband was a boring monotone 27-going-on-50 accountant at a firm in the inner
city. They met in college, and he was nice and cared just enough to ask for her
hand in marriage. She had always wanted a big wedding,
with a show-stopping ball gown that made everyone’s jaws drop. She had never
really understood the point of it all: a big celebration of the ending of her
life as she knew it. At least she would be secure. Security could equal
happiness, maybe. As she walked down the aisle, she felt beautiful, but also
felt nothing. He cried as she approached, and she wanted to slap him. “How dare
you try to fool these people into believing you love me,” she wanted to scream.
Instead, the words
“I Do.”
·
She
experienced the naïve feeling of true love, happiness and infatuation at a
young age. She was 15 when they met, and he was 17-- an older boy with charm
bursting out of his ears. Four months later, she was no longer a virgin. He
told her it would be okay, that he loved her like no one else ever could. It
happened fast and painfully, and then it was over. It was all over. Her life as
she knew it, over.
·
“Honey,
wake up, how long have you been out here?”
“I
must have fallen asleep.”
“I’m
going to go cook some lunch, you want anything?”
“No.
No that’s ok. I think I’ll stay out here for a little while.”
He paused, looked
into her face, right through her, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he was
regretting putting that ring on her finger. She though she should ask him about
his day, but what good would that do them now? When she looked up again he was gone, the screen door
rattling as if announcing his departure.
·
After
the first year of what she considered her first true love, she found opiates in
his truck.
“They’re
just pills,” he had told her. “Not a big deal.”
Next, came the
needles. He reassured her it was
still all fine. 16 and in love, nothing could stop them. She once got a call from a friend of his
saying that they found him on the side of the road and he couldn’t remember his
own name. Of course, she always ran to his aid. Seeing someone in such a
hopeless state of desperation ignited her motherly instinct, and from then on all she
wanted to do was fix the broken. When she finally graduated with a masters in addiction recovery,
she realized that not everything that was broken could be fixed.
·
She
had an appointment with a patient at four, but she had already planned to
cancel. She didn’t feel like she was in the right state of mind to hear the sad
shocking confessions of a young drug addict. Outside, the air became cool, and
she felt a sense of complacency overcome her.
·
She
woke up sweating, shaking, and petrified. Somehow she was in her own bed again.
“Bad
dream again?” her husband asked, half-awake.
“It’s
nothing.”
That wasn’t entirely
a lie, she convinced herself. To him it would be nothing. The dream was one of
many horrific flashback dreams she often wakes up to. Needles being repeatedly
stuck in her forearm, then waking up in the hospital all over again. She would
sit up and see him at the end of her hospital bed, staring at her with a sick
sad hopeless desperation, trying to make her understand. It was okay, he was
just trying to unite them, drug addiction and all.
The
phone rang. For a split second, she thought it could be him.
She hadn’t heard from
him since rehab. She didn’t know where he was, who he was, if he ever even
thought of her. His mother credited her with saving his life, but to her, she
seemed much less important than that.
“Hello,
this is Doctor Shepherd calling for—“
“Hello
Doctor, good to hear from you.”
“Yes,
I’m going to need you to come in as soon as possible to discuss your results.
You might want to bring your husb---“
“No,
that’s ok. I can make it within the hour.”
·
She
looked off into the distance, as if hoping to see something in the clouds she
had never seen before: An answer, a sign, an escape. Yet all she saw was her
husband climbing the porch steps before her. He saw something in her face and
quietly sat down next to her. She realized she loved that about him: his kind
and understanding nature. He could always read her emotions on her face. They
sat in silence, watching the
sunset and listening to each other breathe.
“I
have HIV,” she said.
The
silence was heavy and cold as the sun set beneath the skyline.
§
He
decided to go to rehab after her hospital visit. The guilt of causing her
overdose was too much for him to handle along with the consistent pressure from
loved ones to get help. They sat in the car at 3 AM in a parking lot she had
never been in. He had called her for the last time to say goodbye before he
left for treatment for six months. They held hands and cried for a long time.
Neither had to say anything, they both understood what was unspoken.
“I love you,” he said, “and everything will be okay someday. We’ll be okay.”
“I love you,” he said, “and everything will be okay someday. We’ll be okay.”
She
wanted so badly to believe him. The car door shut, and she listened to the
rough crackle of his engine as he drove away.
This is one hell of a story. I like the imagery, and the situational emotion. It is a story that you can believe, one of those that makes sense logically. The young lovers the ignorance, the innocence the second thoughts that often accompany a marriage as some would call wet feet. Then she sort of bridges into a sequence of events that you can sort of see coming through some great foreshadowing. When she says that she realizes that everything broken can not be fixed you know see a trope, the character self-analyzing. Boy I guess I did learn a thing or two from this class. Then she shows the cause of the addiction when she says, “She would sit up and see him at the end of her hospital bed, staring at her with a sick sad hopeless desperation, trying to make her understand” (6 Tillinghast). This shows you what the character is attempting to run away from. Then she goes further into it when she discusses the fact that she is an addiction recovery doctor. We talked about this in class, you know people with sucky jobs, if you work every day in something like psychology or drug addiction, I’m sure it is hard to leave your work at work. Not to mention they always say it’s the smart ones that go over the edge. And then she presents another trope when the character “looked off into the distance, as if hoping to see something in the clouds she had never seen here: An answer, a sign, an escape” (7 Catlady). This not only shows a trope but blatantly states what she is trying to portray through her character, in that she is looking for a way out. This way is given through her through husband leaving her. Although I was not sure if she was going to die also cause you know if your partner leaves you and you have HIV, it may be too late. All around exciting read, had me on the edge of my seat.
ReplyDeleteI would have probably changed the ending. It is a buzz kill. I wanted the husband and wife to get through their problems. I think it is much more justifying to see people overcome adversity, than to just submit to it. I wanted to see the wife give up the drugs, appreciate what she has in life and get through it. Although I was not too sure what she was trying to escape from, her husband or her job or a combination of them both? I wish you would have been a bit more clear in that. Because she ends up getting HIV which I assume is from the needles which could be caused by her husband or her job.
In a way this reminds me of visitation because of the characters choice to run away from her problems or use a vice to get away. They both see their situation as a fix, and are seemingly always trying to escape no matter what is going wrong.
This is a great story. It took a couple turns that I was not prepared for like the HIV and when her teenage boyfriend’s friend “found him on the side of the road and he couldn’t remember his own name.” I feel like your story can be personally relatable to a lot of people, myself included. Drugs are in some way part of everyone’s life at some point. The 15-year-old narrator encountered something awful at a young age, and it changed it for the better. You wrote how Horrocks wrote in some of her stories, with the flashbacks and memories thrown in between the actual story. I think that is a very hard thing to do, but you did it well. My favorite part of the story is at the very beginning when the narrator said, “she wanted big blue skies and open fields for miles and miles.” That sounds like a wonderful dream that humanity is quickly ruining with cities and loud machines. It becomes clear in that sentence that she wants something simple. She does not want a life like everyone else’s. She wants to be in love for real and just be with that man in a humble place. The fact that she ends up settling shows some inner doubts. She is not sure how she can get to the open sky and endless fields. When she fell in love with her drug-addicted boyfriend, the simplicity she had always wanted would never be. Another part I also like was the description of her “monotone 27-going-on-50” husband. That made me laugh. The reason why I decided to comment on your story is because I cannot find something I would change about your story. We are not in a creative writing class, and this paper was not meant to be perfect. What I would change is part of the life she has. I want her to live in an open field. She could have still lived there and experienced the messed up teenage boyfriend, she still could have had HIV, and she still could have married someone uncertainly. I think living in the place she always wanted would have made her situation not so bad. I would also change the title. I don’t know if “Untitled” is the name of your story or if you just did not have a title for it, but I think an actual title would have been more appropriate. I am not entirely sure if the dialogue was written correctly, but I am not an expert on it. One thing that would have helped split up the memories from the story is to add a little symbol thing in between to distinguish the difference (but I made the same mistake and people did not seem to get my story). This story reminds me of Horrocks’ stories, mostly because of the way you wrote it (which I really think you did a magnificent job on!), but also because of the unexpected twists. Those twists remind me of Wilson’s stories too. The way you just made it happen without anything leading up to it made it all the better. Great story!
ReplyDeleteFirst off this is by far the best story I’ve ready. You have a great gift as a writer and I hope it is something you are going to pursue. The credibility you established with this piece is amazing. This story belongs in a compilation or a review. Now to begin, your descriptions in this story were vivid. I consistently struggle to find the right words to describe scenes and emotions when writing my story and it definitely seems like you’ve gotten the grasp of it. At the beginning I anticipated a mundane story and a repetitive tale of a loveless marriage. Then the second paragraph really hits home as you describe the wedding. I thought the descriptions of emotions were so genuine and believable. The lines at the end of the wedding were especially telling. “As she walked down the aisle, she felt beautiful, but also felt nothing. He cried as she approached, and she wanted to slap him. ‘How dare you try to fool these people into believing you love me,’ she wanted to scream. Instead, the words ‘I Do’” the dialogue replaces the need to write about how she truly felt, her thoughts say more than any emotional explanations could. At first I didn’t notice the section breaks and thought the story was choppy but each scene contributes to the overall tone. Another well-developed characteristic of the story was foreshadowing. The story did a great job building a sense of anticipation. However I never expected the illness, especially HIV. Logically, it makes sense and the story does a great job introducing this dilemma. Now the only draw back I have for this story is one paragraph in particular. I do not quite see the necessity for the paragraph that begins “She had an appointment with a patient at four.” The story does a great job of establishing a passion for attempting to solve issues of addiction and the complacency doesn’t seem to quite make sense. However, it could possibly make sense if she is becoming more isolated in anticipation of her ailment. Now after reading the other two reviews I wasn’t to sure if I read this correctly, the end could be a little clearer. As I understood it the scenes were flashing back between present and past. Because it wouldn’t make sense for the person to be leaving her in the end to be her husband leaving for rehab but her boyfriend. Her husband also would not have caused her overdose of needed pressure to guilt help. This story does not exactly remind me of any particular story we have read in class but a mixture of two authors we have read. The style is kind of a combination Caitlin Horrocks and Brad Watson. The depressing foreshadowing style of Horrocks meets the southern gothic tone of Watson. Overall this was a great story and very enjoying to read.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I found this story to be very easy to read for anyone. I also think that titling this story “Untitled” was a very bold choice. I felt that it parallels to the main character’s outlook on her substandard life. She seems to not know who she is and is lost in her own life which counterparts with the short story being titled “untitled.” So, I found this to be a very smart decision. Additionally, I especially love the satire in this short story. For example it states “her husband was a boring monotone 27-going-on-50 accountant at a firm in the inner city.” I found this to be very humorous in the way the main character talks about her husband. This is significant because the humor of a wife calling her husband a “boring monotone 27-going-on-50 accountant” can be relatable to readers resulting in the audience being able to trust the main character even more. Another aspect of the story that can be considered relatable to the readers is the disappointment in one’s mediocre life. The story establishes that the main character’s life “was never what she wanted” stating that they were “people who go to work 9 to 5 and come home to their boring lives.” I liked how relatable this part of the story is to the middle class people who think the grass is greener on the other side. It makes the readers connect with the main character on a deeper level. Additionally, I liked the twist of the story turning to the main character having HIV. I thought that was a smart attribute to put in the story to surprise the reader. It took the story to a different level of intrigue for the reader to be motivated to read about. However, if I had to criticize on something I would say that I would have liked to have known how the husband reacted to the news of his wife having HIV. I think it would have been more gratifying for the readers to see this husband and wife interaction about this horrific news. Nevertheless, this was a very good short story overall and a pleasure to read.
ReplyDeleteThis story reminds me quite a bit of Jim Gavin’s writing in the Middle Men. The main character seems like an average person with a disappointing life. She has to overcome obstacles, health issues, marriage problems, and basically life like some of the characters in the Middle Men. The “Middle Men” story in particular seems to relate to this story. The main character, Matt, was not happy with his mediocre life and was also having to overcome obstacles, his mother passing away from cancer, like the main character in this story. She has to deal with being displeased of her life while dealing with her new founded health issues. Both stories seem to be about the average people who are dealing with issues while being saddened with their everyday life as well.
Okay, so I just wanted to let you know that your story was, by far, my favorite. I loved how you flashed back and forth between the narrator’s present and the horrible memories from the past that she has allowed to continue to haunt her present. In that way, your story’s tone and jumping back and forth between past and present really caught my eye as sharing similarities with writing styles of Caitlin Horrocks—the similar use of foreshadowing of darker, depressing life events are what make you and Horrocks’ writings alike. There were so many things that I just absolutely loved about your story that it could probably take up all 500 words reiterating them! To start, I want to address how much I really appreciated how you seemed to effortlessly combine the narrator’s emotions with vivid descriptions of what is going on because of those emotions. “The silence was heavy and cold as the sun set beneath the skyline,” is the epitome of what I meant in my previous statement. The narrator had just informed her husband she is HIV positive, and the detached and somber tension between the couple is perfectly described in that sentence without being blatantly obvious about how they are both reacting to this news. I also really liked how you completely threw me for a loop with the whole HIV thing, I was not expecting the story to take that kind of dark turn –although I almost was because of her attitude?—but when it did, you made sure to set up the appropriate details to make it fit right into your story without a hiccup. Lastly, the thing I liked most was your tone consistency; you gave your character a persona and you stuck with it. This woman genuinely sounded trapped by her life and by her husband, not-so coincidently like an addict trapped by their addiction perhaps? With all of the great things I liked about your story, there were two minor things, in particular, that I would have changed. There were a few spelling errors: forgotten letters, incorrect punctuation, minor things like that that could have probably been avoided with a couple more proofreads. The second thing that I might have changed was the ending. I understood why you chose to end the story in a flashback, but I was more curious as to what the narrator was going to do with her life, now that it was an hourglass on a table, or even with her husband for that matter. I just wished that she would have given readers a little glimmer of hope that she was not just going to roll over and die from AIDS or from her junkie-husband shooting her up again. We were left with almost an “impending doom” feeling towards the narrator, so maybe ending the story in the present could have helped. But, other than those two minor changes I would make, your story was great. It was my favorite work to read, and you are such a talented writer!
ReplyDelete