Camo
It is a cold Oregon December, I am up in my tree stand,
and I am not seeing squat. There is the occasional pair of cardinals chasing each
other about. Of course there is fucking squirrels galore. They are doing their
normal thing; running about, barking, trying to make as much noise as they can
to scare away the deer I would usually be hunting, but today I am not. Deer
season is over, and I have already bagged my limit anyway. I am looking for
something bigger, something meaner; today I am hunting black bear. I chose to
use a bow. A gun seemed too easy, and this way I will be forced to confront
this creature up close and personal.
I usually come hunting with Craig, my old buddy from high
school, but not this hunt. We would usually set up camp about a quarter mile
down the path from our stands. Every night we would stay up drinking and
talking about the good old days back at Eugene high. Truth was they didn’t start
out great for me. Growing up I was a chubby white boy that always tried to fit
in with the in crowd. During my freshman year of high school I had convinced
myself I was black; obviously not in color, but in every other stereotypical aspect;
a young Eminem. All the popular kids were black, so it seemed logical to
transform myself. Id wear the latest shoes from big name NBA stars, wear baggy
clothing, and talk in Ebonics. Looking back it was quite offensive the way I presented
myself, but back then I didn’t mean any harm by it, I just wanted to be one of
the cool kids. I soon found out that my new found swagger wasn’t so appealing
to others. I began getting picked on in the locker room and in the halls. I
learned to answer to my Alias, Uh-oh Oreo rather than my given name, Jeremy.
About halfway through
my first semester I was regularly jumped by the members of the basketball team.
I’d try new routes down allies, through the woods by the school, but they
always found me and once they had ran me down, they preceded to beat me nearly unconscious.
This would go on for about a month. The last time they jumped me was the day
that I meet Craig. Craig reminded me a lot of Bo duke; long blonde hair, pearl
snap shirt, everything pointed to him being a lost member of the duke clan. The
general lee was replaced with an old El Camino. He’d sit in the bed spitting Copenhagen
into a red solo cup after school with his rodeo buddies. I didn’t know it at
the time but he had been stalking the team and me after school. He’d watch as
they took turns holding me down and throwing punches that would roll off my
face so that my braces would cut into my gums. They took joy in my pain, and
this pissed Craig off. He would never jump in alone and try to stop it, he know
that he would end up on the ground alongside me; so that day I meet him he
rounded up his buddies and went to find me. By the time he got to us in the
woods the team had already began their routine beating of me. The team heard Craig’s
El Camino rushing through the opening to the field and they scattered. Craig
drove alongside the members of the team to where his rodeo buddies could rope
them. They would let them drag alongside the truck for a few seconds then jump
out and beat them the way they beat me. They ended up only catching three, they
scattered in a way that Craig’s El Camino had to work to reach them. After
Craig got done beating the last member, he bent over and told him that I was
one of them now and to tell his buddies they would come find the boy that
messed with me. The member shook his head and ran off out the wood. I could
barely see Craig when he walked up to me, my eyes were so swollen shut.
“You
alright buddy?” he asked
I
nodded and replied “Yea, I think so. Thanks”
Craig
asked “Why do you do it?” and pointed at my clothing
“Do
what?”
“Dress
all thug, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it?”
I
shrugged and said “I don’t know. All the cool kids do it.”
Craig
looked confused and asked “Cool kids? Since when did dressing and acting like
that make you cool?”
“I
don’t know, all the sports stars and rappers dress and act like this and
everyone looks up to them.”
Craigs
confusion turned to anger and he said “Man, don’t fall for that shit. Society is
fucked up. All dressing and acting like that will do it piss people off.”
“Why
would it piss people off?”
“Because
you dressed black, talk black, and try to act black. They think you’re making
fun of them.”
“Eminem
tries to act black” I replied defensively.
“And
they fucking hate him too.” Said Craig.
Craig
grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.
“Dude,
you just need to be yourself, and if they don’t like you then fuck ‘em.”
I’m
still not seeing much from here in my stand. I’ve never actually seen a bear in
person here. I’ve only seen the traces of their presents. It’s starting to get
late and I’m losing my patience.
Craig
gave me a ride home to my house the night he rescued me from the team. I limped
up the stairs through my front door and into my room. That night I thought
about what he had said and that next morning I walked into school wearing a fitted
tee shirt and a pair of straight cut jean I had from middle school. I walked
right past all the people who had usually picked on me without even being touched.
I wasn’t sure if it was because of Craig or that they approved of my change,
but either way I started hanging out with Craig and his buddies.
Craig
would usually wake up still drunk from the night before and would ride his
4wheeler to his stand. Craig never shot anything so he didn’t take a gun. He
would just sit in his stand and watch all the animals. He enjoyed the wildlife and
started to take pictures of them. He would dress up in his camouflage, hide
behind trees, and snap photos of the creatures of the forest.
Last
deer season I arrived back at camp where Craig was not present. Craig always
beat me back to camp, so I took off down the path that lead to Craig’s stand to
check on him. My headlight reflected off of something in the road so I stopped
to check it out. It was a Nikon camera with Craig Smith written on the bottom.
I looked next to where I had found the camera and saw blood, bear paw prints,
and the smoothed over surface where Craig was drug way.
I
have grown Tired of my first bear hunt and I am going to head back to camp. I’ve
reached the ground from my stand, and I hear the grunt of what I had been
waiting for. I turn to see that a black bear
is staring at me maybe 30 yards away. It roars as it comes closer to me. I’m
still and fell my heart begin to race. This was the bear that took my best
friend. I start to think of Craig, and the pain that this creature put him
though. My fear has turned to anger, and I draw my bow. I place an arrow on the
string of my bow as the beast begins to sprint toward me. I raise my bow, took aim, and let the arrow
loose. The arrow hit, but he keeps running toward me unfazed. I have no time to
send another arrow so I draw my knife and prepared for the fight. Both the bear and I wanted nothing more than
to kill the other.
This was a really good idea for a story. First off, I liked the descriptive language used in the story. You did a good job describing the morning of the hunt at the beginning and the way you described getting hit in the face, “so that [his] braces would cut into [his] gums.” This type of descriptive language really helps to paint a picture in the reader’s mind and you did a very good job with that.
ReplyDeleteAs aforementioned, I really liked the idea for the story. I thought it was funny that the narrator was a chubby white kid who wanted to be accepted into the African American culture. Whenever I was in high school, there was a lot of that going around and I could relate to that. That said, I could obviously understand why members on the basketball team would take offense to that and seek revenge. I liked that Craig saw an injustice however and decided to do something about it. Often in situations in high schools where bullying occurs, many people do nothing about it, so the fact that Craig took action (albeit a little too violent) he comes off as the hero of the story. Then I liked the way you flash between the present and the past in the thoughts of the narrator and the idea that Craig was tragically taken by a bear that you are hunting is an interesting one. Also, I liked the fact that most of the time Craig would go hunting, he wasn’t really hunting. There have been multiple times I’ve walked out to my deer stand without a gun or a bow just to watch the wildlife. I find it very relaxing and I could relate to that. The whole scene about going to the stand still drunk from the night before was funny to me, because as a frequent hunter, I may have done that myself a few times so I found the humor in that.
While the idea for the story is a good one, I don’t think the story is long enough to give the reader all the information that is necessary. I know that there was a cap on how long the story could be, but with this story and the way it is developed, I was left wanting more on how the story progressed. It seemed to happen too fast without an adequate explanation. There are also a few grammar and spelling mistakes (presence instead of presents) but as a whole, there is not too much of that to distract the reader.
The story that comes to mind when I read this story was “Play the Man” by Jim Gavin. The reason I say this is because I feel both of the main characters in these stories were just at an awkward age and did not really know what it is they wanted. Each of them was trying to fit in until they found what worked for them. I saw the similarity in each of them there.
I liked the idea of your story. I think that most people who have read it have seen this type of situation take place in this lives. I know that I was able to relate. I have seen many people in my life who were taken under another person’s wing and told to simply be themselves. I enjoyed the slight humor when the rodeo friends were roping the basketball players. I thought that was a unique detail that was added to show a contrast of the type of people in your story.
ReplyDeleteOne way that you could have improved the story a little was to have breaks put into it. For example, when it changed scenes from the woods to school you could have had something to signify there was a break so a reader knew what was going on. It was a bit confusing to try to figure out the changes of scenery. It also didn’t seem very clear to me why the basketball team was beating him up. Was it because they were black and didn’t like him acting that way? I just didn’t quite get the point of that. You did a good job of illustrating the connection between the two main characters. I think the story might have been a little stronger if Craig had a stronger role towards the end of being a hunter rather than a photographer, but that is just my opinion. I would have like a different outcome. Perhaps Jeremy and Craig killed a bear together. I think a more positive outcome would have been the way to go, especially after what the two characters went through together.
As I read this and thought about which story it reminded me off, I thought of Danielle Evans’ “Someone Ought to Tell Her There’s Nowhere to Go.” I related your story to Georgie from Evans’ story. Your character seemed to fit the mold of Georgie who wanted to be somebody else and was doing all the wrong things to do so. Like Georgie, your character Jeremy goes through the story finding himself. Luckily in your story, Craig was able to help Jeremy to find himself. But in both stories, the character ends up alone.
I think you did a good job. I would have liked to have seen where the story could have gone if Craig had survived the bear attack. If you had been given more opportunity to write, I think you could have done a wonderful job elaborating on the characters as they began their friendship and even added more twists to your plot throughout the story. You definitely had my attention throughout the story, and I admit that I didn’t see the story ending that way because I thought the two friends would have a different path and would have ended up as old porch monkeys together.
From the beginning I am drawn into your story and I feel Jeremy’s emotions throughout it. In addition your structure works well with this story; specifically beginning and ending the story in the woods provides emotional elements and drama to the reader in each phase of the story. There is definitely an element of suspense when Jeremy says that he “usually come[s] hunting with Craig…but not this hunt” followed by further reflection. This reflection makes me anticipate something bad happening to Craig later on because there is a reason that he is not hunting with Jeremy, and I was sure that the reason was not simply a busy schedule. All in all you did a great job using the introduction to illustrate what was in store for the main characters involved.
ReplyDeleteYou transition well from the introduction to the first major scene of the story of Jeremy getting “jumped” and what leads up to it. I like how you tied in his unique personality and him trying to fit in with the popular kids. In fact it’s comical that Jeremy makes so much of an effort to act out of his element and tries to be ‘cool’ and act ‘black’ as a “chubby white boy.” Of course it seemed like he was bound to be continuously punished both physically and literarily for acting offensive to the black kids and for acting out of his element. His efforts of fitting in along with his description make this story remind me of Jim Gavin’s story, Middle Men, because it similarly features Matt Costello trying to fit in as a salesman and is eventually fired. To the reader it is enlightening that Craig was in the wings waiting to befriend and protect Jeremy. After all based on Craig’s description he seems like the ‘golden boy’ at the school who valiantly swoops in to him Jeremy’s from the basketball players and with breaking through socially.
There is a bit of confusion however regarding the significance of the interval between Craig telling Jeremy to be himself and Craig giving him a ride home; specifically beginning with “I’m still not seeing much here from my stand.” It’s also confusing that Jeremy is in his tree stand immediately after meeting Craig following his beat down from the basketball team. If anything, this story might be fine without it because you can still make a smooth transition between the two parts that I am referring to. However if you still want to include this interval then you could use it to build anticipation in the reader. Since the interval takes place in the woods where Jeremy and the bear fight in the end, it could be used to foreshadow the fight.
Either way like I said earlier you did a great job incorporating emotional elements and drama from start to finish, especially with the final scene. It’s powerful to the reader that Jeremy wants the bear to suffer just like it made Craig suffer – the one person who helped Jeremy’s character transformation. You even foreshadow this encounter in the opening paragraph when you say, “I chose to use a bow. A gun seemed too easy…” Overall this is a very well written and a very well structured story.