Caitlyn Bush
Flat
Lined
Here I lie on the table. Cold and
barely breathing. My weak body resisting the doctors’ attempt to save me. I
faintly hear them say I’m not going to make it. In my heart I know they are
right I
know it’s a matter of time before I slip away forever. Am I scared? No, not
anymore. I have done plenty of stupid things in my life, but nothing as stupid
as this. I contemplate this as the lights grow dim around me.
You know, I never really had a bad
life. In fact, I was content with how I turned out. I was twenty-five, single,
and working part-time at the coffee shop on the corner of 6th and
Main. No, it wasn’t the life I imagined I would lead, nor did anyone else.
Everyone in my home town was disappointed with me after I graduated nursing
school last year. Growing up with the parents I had, I was destined to do
something great with my life. I was supposed to be a lawyer. Yeah, right. In a
way there was a load of pressure put on me to be perfect. To live up to the
family name. My parents still loved me; however, they never understood how I
could settle for less than my potential. It wasn’t even that I was settling, I
just wanted to be in control of my own life. Nonetheless, I was okay with how
my life was going.
I think that is where my problem
began. I found myself wanting to rebel. I did any and everything to find an
adrenaline rush. It started out small. I would go to the gas station twice a
week after my shift at the hospital and slip a piece of gum in my pocket
without paying. It’s silly, I know. I loved the way I would casually walk to the
soda fountain, fill my cup with Fanta RED, and then stroll to the candy aisle
in search of something to satisfy my sweet tooth. I would glance around calmly,
pick up a stick of bubble gum, and then slide it ever so gently into my scrub
pocket. I never got caught, and no one suspected me. This became an obsession
with me. I wanted and needed more suspense in my life, whether it was through
petty theft or a small piece of gum. It was a rush that made me feel alive.
Maybe this was supposed to be my life. I felt young, wild and free, and who the
hell knows except what is done is done. I was in control.
I needed more risk, and in my
attempt to fulfill my need, I finally got caught. I just finished passing out
meds to the patients on the 5th floor, when the idea came to me. I should steal
a bottle of Xanax. I don’t know why I wanted to. I didn’t plan on taking the
pills. I just figured it would be easy to do. Roll the medicine cart into the
supply closet, pour a few pills in a zip-lock bag, lock everything up, and I’d
be good to go. It didn’t quite work that way. Right as I was slipping the
baggie into my pocket, my boss opened the door. I was fired on the spot and my
nursing license was revoked. There was a big scandalous write up about me in
the Sunday paper that week. The whole town was in shock that Sarah Harris,
daughter of Jeff and Kelly Harris, had done something so terribly bad. I had
lost my nursing license and damaged the Harris family name. Too bad I didn’t
turn out to be a lawyer like my parents, or I could have gotten myself out of
this mess.
The days following my misfortune I
found myself not needing the adrenaline rush. I sat in the floor of my
apartment curled up in fetal position for weeks. I needed to find a new purpose
for my life. I needed to clean up the mess I had made. I found a job at the
only place in town that would hire me, the coffee shop on the corner of 6th
and Main. I didn’t mind it. I got free coffee and pastries, so even if I had
the urge to steal them, it wouldn’t matter. My co-workers were pot heads. They
were young and naive and looked up to me for being the talk of the town for
stealing a bottle of Xanax I didn’t even plan to use. I was content. I was
getting my life back together. For myself and for my parents.
It had been snowing the day it
happened. The accident. I was driving home from the coffee shop when my car hit
a patch of ice. I didn’t panic; the adrenaline didn’t faze me much anymore, but
I should have panicked. My car skid through a red light and there I was, in the
middle of the intersection, with a truck coming at me head on. Helpless and not
in control. It didn’t take long for the ambulances to arrive. They said it
would be a miracle if I made it, and yes, it would have been a miracle. But it
wasn’t.
My eyes are slowly fluttering open
and I know that I can’t hold on much longer. My breathing has gotten shallower
and the doctor is now saying this is the end. My parents are holding my hand
and I know they are crying. Crying because I am their only child, crying
because the start of this all was their fault, and crying because I ruined
their family name. I want more than anything to apologize and cry right along
with them, but in this moment, I take my last breath. I have no more control. I
have flat lined.
In my opinion, this is the best short story I have read so far. It is so well written! And what is really cool is that because it was so well written and the plot was so intriguing, that if I didn't know you- I would've assumed that this was a story out of one of the books we've read. It was THAT good. I love the title, and I love the way you ended the story. It was just really really cool how everything progressed, and how you somewhat went back and forth. I loved the twist about how she was "killed" in the car accident. Before that, due to the adrenaline junkie vibe - I figured he parachute didn't open after going sky diving, or the rope from bungee jumping broke, or you drowned while attempting to go white water rafting...The only criticism, which is hard- is that you could have made it more twisted, like actually having her do something really crazy that caused her death like the examples I just introduced. But I really liked it, it's my favorite, I like it better than mine, and it's just a great story.
ReplyDeleteFrom the beginning I started reading this story I was drawn in. I can really tell that it took a lot of time and hard work to structure such a detailed and concise short story. This did not look just thrown together in any way. The structure of the story and the detailed imagery are very intriguing. I wanted to read more and more after I finished it. I especially like when it states “I contemplate this as the lights grow dim around me.” I thought this was a very clever way to end the first paragraph resulting in readers excited to read more. I could definitely mentally imagine the main character lying on the table about to take the last breath. I also like how the story goes from the scene in the hospital on the verge of death in the first paragraph to telling the background of the main character in the second paragraph. Therefore, structurally I thought this was a very good writerly choice for it brings more depth to the story. Additionally, I like how the main character’s parents are incorporated into the short story. Since the mother and father have no dialogue in the story, it made them seem that much more distant and disappointed in the main character. This is significant because it allows the readers to feel this same emotion that the main character is feeling towards her parents. This connects the readers with the main character making it easier to trust her. This trust is momentous because even though the main character has been caught stealing Xanax I still seem to trust her in the story. So, I thought that was a very smart thing to do. However, if I had to critique this story in any way, I would suggest adding a little more to the hospital scenes. Even though I liked how the first and last paragraphs were the only ones with the present hospital situation in them, I feel more information and detail could have been added to it. Therefore, perhaps adding a little more detail to the good imagery you have already established to make it great. Overall though one of the best stories I have read.
ReplyDeleteThis structure of this story reminded me of the structure in “Embodied” from the book This is not Your City. In “Embodied” the story starts out in the present foreshadowing the death of her baby by the mother stating “I don’t have him anymore” (Horrocks 91). The mother then starts telling her history and the sequence of events that led up to the death of her baby. This consequently parallels with this story starting out in the present with the main character situated at the hospital on the verge of death, stating “I contemplate this as the lights grow dim around me” foreshadowing her inevitable death. The main character then starts telling her history and the sequence of events that leads up to her death. Therefore, both stories start in the present and end in the present and also end with death.
This is probably my favorite short story. I loved it because it is very relatable. Everyone at some point in time in their life has been through something like this, where everyone around them, especially their parents, are expecting them to be something great and follow in the footsteps of them. Keep the good name that their parents had made going and getting better. It’s hard because, yeah they make a good living and good name for themselves, but it’s not what we want to do with our lives. I also really like at the beginning how it is tied with the car crash. First off the car crash I thought was a great parallel with her life, which was perfect for keeping the attention of the readers. The car crash is a symbol for their live spiraling out of control, and there wasn’t really anything that could have been done to prevent it. Most wrecks are caused because of human error going to far where nothing can be compensated to avoid them, and just like her getting her license revoked was human error gone too far and there wasn’t anyway to correct it. The damage had already been done. The ending really tied it all up for me. I was really impressed. It was enough to create closure but not too much to make it completely depressing. Yes she past away but that is how life is. Unpredictable, which was a great turn at the end. I don’t have too much criticism for this story, but if I were to change one thing I would have elaborated more on the scene in the middle where she gets her license taken away. I would have made it where she begged and pleaded and tried to save herself to keep her license and that would have more closely paralleled a car crash on how people try anything to avoid them. Otherwise this was a great story. This story reminds me a lot of Bermuda from Jim Gavin’s “Middle Men”. I like how it tied things from high culture and low culture, between being a lawyer and a nurse to being a barista from a coffee shop. Not that I am saying working in a coffee shop is bad or anything but being a lawyer or a nurse is a higher class job, so I give you props for that, so overall great job and fantastic story
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved this story. I think that this story was my favorite one because from the very beginning of the story it had me completely drawn in. I was trying to guess what in the heck was going to happen and why was she dying. This story flowed perfectly because she did the scene of her dying and then went back to explain her life and how she had gotten there and then back to her taking her last breath. This story had so much imagery in it and I literally felt like I could see everything that was happening. I could see the girl lying on the table as she was dying because it was so detailed and real feeling. When she said, “here I lie on the table. Cold and barely breathing. My weak body resisting the doctors’ attempt to save me.” With this sentence being the very first one of the story, it painted a very clear picture for me and then she followed it up at the very end with the scene of her taking her last breath, which painted another clear image for me. I also thought she did a really good job with not having the parents be too much into the story but enough for us to understand how they are and what the expected of their daughter. I felt like I leaned way more toward the girl than her parents because I can see the girl’s emotions and feeling and I cannot see the parents, I just know about what they think of their daughter and how disappointed they were in her. It also brought some significance to the story with the parents being very distant to the reader because at the same time they are that way with their daughter now all because of her one mistake. Even with this story being my favorite, I think maybe she could have added just a little bit more detail in her life in the present like with the hospital scenes because I felt like I still wanted more than what I was getting. I wanted to know a little bit more of what was really going on in the hospital but that is being very picky because I really did like everything about this story. This story kind of reminded me of “Embodied” a little bit because I felt like they had the same structure to them. They start with the present and then foreshadows the death of either herself or the baby. They both begin and end kind of the same way because they start with the present then went to the past and ended both with the present, being the deaths that happened to them. I also felt like with these two stories they had the same feeling to each other with sadness and helplessness because the girl felt like she was in need of having her parents there for her and she was helpless and with embodied it was a baby that just needed love from her parents and yet she was getting some from her father but not her mother. The baby was helpless.
ReplyDeleteI really like this short story, it is probably one of my favorites so far! The beginning paragraph is very captivating, and it made me want to keep reading to see what happened. I like the way that you jumped from the narrator’s last serious moments to a flashback of when her life was still put together. You did a very good job of organizing your paragraphs and the entire story all together. For the most part, each paragraph said everything it needed to to get the point across. I think that this may have helped what made the story so good as well, because they were so organized it was really easy to follow and each paragraph left me wanting to just keep reading. I also like that this story was very relatable. Everyone has not only felt a little lost in their lives, but also rebellious, and this story highlights that. The main thing that I really liked though is how you made the narrator lose her life. The whole time, especially when she was talking about wanting control, I was thinking that she was going to take her own life in an attempt to ultimately rebel. Then, when she stole the Xanax and had no use to put it toward, I thought for sure I was right. But then, out of the blue she is just hit by a truck. I really liked that you did that because it surprises the reader. It would have been very easy to just have her take the pills and die, but the car wreck shows that you thought outside of the box. I also like the car accident because it makes it seem like no matter how much control she had, fate was already decided for her, which is a dark twist. I love it.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to change one thing, it would be the car wreck and hospital scenes. Note that earlier in my comment I said that “for the most part” each paragraph had enough information. Although the story is still really good with the way those last few paragraphs are, I think you could have gone more into detail about the car accident and hospital scenes. For example, you could have had her describe hitting the ground, or the pain she felt while waiting for the ambulance. Not only that, but I definitely think you could have described her dying a little more in depth by drawing out her pain and sadness as she leaves the world and her parents. It would have made the story more intimate. Overall, great job though!
This story also reminds me of “Embodied”, because of the way that it foreshadows death in the beginning, then brings it back in the end. Not only this, but just like the baby in “Embodied”, the narrator in this story had no control over what was happening. Also, it reminds me of the stories in “Middle Men” because every main character in that story had had high hopes and a bright future, but then ended up average and not worth anything. I think your story is like that too, with the way that she had a lot of potential to be a lawyer, then was a nurse, but then ended up a dead thief. Very good story!
Caitlyn, this story was so great. From the title you had me completely drawn in and I was not released until the very last sentence that made this whole story tie perfectly together. You can really tell you spent a lot of time planning out exactly what you wanted to happen at each turn of your story. I really liked how you chose first person narrative as your path. Honestly, any other point of view would not have been nearly as suspenseful or enticing because no one knows what someone else is thinking inside their own mind, and that made your story that much better because of it. For example, if it had been from the view of the mother and father, we would not have received all of the insight as to why she felt the need to steal, because it was obvious to the readers that her parents did not understand the narrator’s reasoning at all. Another thing I liked about your story was the juxtaposition between white collar living and blue collar living that ultimately had the power to make your main character decide that she basically deserved to die. It was really sad, but that’s the thing that was so great; you made your readers feel sadness for a character that does not even exist, and I am positive that is not an easy thing to do. Lastly, I really liked how you made us trust the main character by making her completely upfront about all of the things she had stolen, and then went beyond that and gave readers an explanation why. That was so smart and really made readers feel more trusting and connected to her. If I had to choose which story we have read that was somewhat similar to the nature of your story, I would have to go with “Bermuda”, from Jim Gavin’s Middle Men, due to the obvious love/hate relationship that the need for acceptance that the white collar lifestyle demands of the older couple from Gavin’s story and from the narrator of your story. This story had so many great things about it that it was difficult to find something that stood out to me enough to want to change. If I had to choose something, it would probably be that I felt that the comparisons you made between the tragedies of being fired from the hospital and the narrator losing her life, did not have the same amount of description time in your story. Sorry if that was a little confusing, I’ll explain. It seemed that the main character felt like a total disappointment to everyone because of what the Xanax she stole, which was briefly touched on at the story’s opening; while the reminder of the story sets her up for, and covers, the accident that would have never happened if she was still a nurse. Other than that, your story was definitely one of my favorites that I had read and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to read it!
ReplyDeleteComment from Cat Tillinghast:
ReplyDeleteFlatline – Caitlyn Bush
I love Caitlyn’s story. I was instantly drawn in by the first paragraph. I love how she starts in the present with such a powerful scene, yet she is so nonchalant about it. I admire her choice to use first person. I think first person in stories like this allow us to be more connected to the narrator and more involved in the story. Because it was first person, I found myself very concerned with what would happen to her. This is why I relate “Flatline” most closely to the stories of Caitlyn Horrocks. To be more specific, this reminded me of “Zolaria” in the way that it was written. In “Zolaria,” the narrator writes in first person and also gives off that nonchalant air in the way that she tells it. Since it is also first person, it drew me in and caused me to be so interested in what would happen to her, her friend, and her children. The narrators of both of these stories have that kind of oblivious nature to their story-telling, in which they speak about the horrible sadness in their lives with a sort of calm complacency. It is like they are either at peace with what has happened/is happening, or they are just unable to fully realize the impact everything has had on their lives. They both speak of their sadness and their experiences in a very objective light, which I believe makes their stories that much more heart-wrenching and dark for the readers. Horrocks also had an ongoing theme of darkness in all of her stories. This story definitely displayed darkness in a way that was fascinating to read. The ability to portray darkness in such an effective way is a gift, and I believe Caitlyn Bush definitely displayed her gift. Honestly, if I could change anything about “Flatline,” I would make it slightly longer. I feel as if Caitlyn could have gone slightly, not too much more, in depth about the narrator’s past with her family, such as why they have such a conflicted relationship with her. I think we could have better understood the motives and beliefs of the narrator more if we could have seen even a glimpse of her childhood or past experiences with her family. This being said, I really do enjoy the way it was written. As a reader, I find myself always wanting more, and Caitlyn did such a great job at really making us want more. This semester I feel like one of the main general themes of all the short stories we have read has been exactly that: wanting more. Most of the short stories end so abruptly and leave so many unanswered questions in my mind. I’m not sure if that’s just with the stories we have read, but I think all of these short stories do such a wonderful job of engaging the reader so deeply and giving us just enough to thirst for more. That is what I love about these short stories and that is why I enjoy Caitlyn’s so much. She put just enough out there to draw me in and then leave me begging for more! I love stories with darkness, suspense, and deep underlying sadness, and “Flatline” gave me all of that and more.