The
Waiting Game
By: Kelly Jurchisin
October 6th 2008
Dear Lizzi,
Before I get started, you should know I wasn't forced to do this. The longer I sit here in this cold, lifeless room filled with “get well soon” balloons and stuffed teddy bears, the more I realize that
I don’t know the person I’m sitting next to. Since when did your beautiful dark
brown hair get so long? When did you start to get these lightly orange brown
freckles on your cheeks? Who is this thirteen year old girl that I call my
sister? I wish I knew, I wish I had more to say to you then just these few
words. You’d be surprised that I’m actually up here visiting you every single
day. I have decided to write to you because I feel a little silly talking to
you out loud and getting no reply.
Love always,
Aaron
October 11th 2008
Dear Lizzie,
The nurses come in here every once in a while and
mess around with the tubes and computers sitting around you. I really don’t
know exactly what they’re doing but I hope it’s helping. All your friends from
your soccer team came in today after practice. Their eyes were red and puffy
from crying and didn't really know exactly what to say. They asked who I was,
and when I told them I was your brother they didn't believe me. I guess you don’t talk about me much, don’t blame you. I told them you’d be up from your
coma and back to practice in no time, they left with hope for you… I do have
hope for you, it’s just difficult to have it when I’m here every day and
nothing changes. But I know you’ll prove me wrong, you always do. Remember when
I told you there was no way you’d be able to jump that dirt hill with your bike
and land? You proved me wrong as fast as bullet. I was pretty upset with you
when you did it but honestly I had nothing to be upset about, I should have
been proud of you. I should have told you it was really smart of you to accelerate
right before you peddled up the hill and then bent your knees on the landing.
You’re such a crazy little thing and a force to be reckoned with. I wonder if
you’re still like that now, how you used to be.
Love always,
Aaron
October 16th 2008
Dear Lizzi,
The doctors said we’re still playing the “waiting
game”. I really don’t think it’s a game. Games are usually fun and waiting for
you to wake up isn’t much fun. Sometimes I’m scared that I’ll be here when you
wake up and you won’t know who I am. I’m not who I used to be, Lizzi. I’ve
changed since mom and dad kicked me out. Living with Uncle Robert has been life
changing. I don’t cut myself anymore, and I don’t sell drugs; I don’t even do
them myself. It’s been a hard three years but I know you’ll like the new me if
you ever wake up in time to meet me. Mom and dad still don’t trust me though, I
don’t blame them. They come in here every once in a while to make sure this is
actually where I am. Anyways Lizzi, I’ll be here tomorrow.
Love always,
Aaron
October 21st 2008
Dear Lizzi,
I was sitting on the couch watching a football game
when mom called Uncle Robert with the news of your accident. My stomach dropped
as soon as Uncle Robert said you got hit by a car. The first thing I wanted to
do was track down the idiot that would hit a girl walking home from school by
herself. I know it was an accident but I don’t care. But with all the trouble I
have been in already, Uncle Robert said if I wanted to do something about it
then I should at least wait a little while until I stir up any more trouble.
Just to let you know, when I was away from you guys, you were the person I
thought about the most. I missed those nights that we would watch movies, or go
fishing when we had nothing better to do. You were always so sweet and
innocent, we could sit there and not talk to each other for hours and I would
leave you feeling better than ever. Not a lot of people can say they have a
sister like that. So I just want to thank you for just being who you are Lizzi.
Love always,
Aaron
October 25th 2008
Dear Lizzi,
It’s been 3 weeks since the accident. Mom and Dad
told me today that you could wake up and be a totally different person and that
we should be prepared for that happening. How can I be prepared for that if I’m
not even prepared to see the real you? The doctor says that the longer you stay
asleep, the more you will forget. That scares me, but then again it could give
me a second chance at proving to you that I could be a good brother. Maybe what
happened is a blessing and you will forget these crazy times that I had away
from you and remember all the good times we had before I went through my
depression. You’ve always been so much stronger than me. You may be four years
younger than me, but emotionally, I’ve never met anyone stronger than you. If
anyone could make it out of this it’s you, Lizzi.
Love always,
Aaron
….
October 27th 2009
Dear Lizzi,
It’s been a year since you’ve passed. I’m writing to
you now because I can finally gather my thoughts. I’ve been so lost for so long
Lizzi. Wondering why it was you and not me. Wondering why you had done almost
nothing wrong your whole life and I messed up countless times, but you were the
one who suffered. Reflecting back now, I know you would say to me that I
deserved a second chance at life and that’s why it wasn’t me. You have given me
a reason to live; you’ve given me a purpose that I have been wanting in life
for so long. You always have, it just took a terrible situation like this for
me to finally realize that I need to cherish what I have in life. I’ve learned
that life will always keep you on your toes; it’ll knock you down as many times
as you will let it. You’ve taught me to stay strong through the hard times, and
remember the good. I can’t thank you enough and I can’t wait until the day that
I wake up to meet you.
Love always and forever,
Aaron.
Kelly, this story was so so good! It was so sad, but at the same time it was so sweet. I love the fact that Aaron cares so much about Lizzie. I think that the letter like format for this story was perfectly fit, and it added to the story because it was Aaron spilling out his thoughts and emotions to Lizzie, and not just the narrator telling the reader what happens. The story is put together piece by piece in the letter style of writing, and it was just such a heartbreaking story and I could not stop reading it! I was hoping that Lizzie would wake up in the end, but the way that you ended the story was great. “It has been a year since you’ve passed,” was such a clever way to start the last letter. It made me so sad! This story literally almost made me cry. The fact that you also included that Aaron had been depressed, cut himself, sold, and did, drugs all added to the sadness of the story, and the reader can’t help but to have sympathy for Aaron. Also the fact that Lizzie and Aaron’s parents didn’t really have much to do with Aaron, and he had not been around for three years makes it even harder not to feel so sympathetic for Aaron. He just wanted his sister to wake up so he could get to know her because he had missed her. I also like how you included Aaron’s “what if” scenarios like “I can prove to you that I can be a good brother.” As much as I liked the story as it is, I would have added a couple more letters before the last one to possibly foreshadow the fact the Lizzie was not going to wake up. I think that really would have given the story a little extra oomph, not like it doesn’t have plenty already, but I think that would definitely be something that you could have added. Also, the font in the first letter was smaller in the first letter than it was in the rest of the letters, but other than that I think this is a job well done! The way that you kind of started with the main part of the story, and then told the reader what happened to Lizzie later on reminded me of a lot of Caitlin Horrocks’ stories because of the way she jumps around from the past to the present, and then to something that happened a long time ago. It didn’t remind me of any story I particular you just used a similar writing method as Caitlin Horrocks. I really enjoyed reading this story though, and even though it was super sad, it was still really good, and also had a good purpose. The purpose pretty much being that poor Aaron just wanted a second chance to be a good brother, and now he’ll never get that chance. Anyways, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis story was so touching. Having 11 other siblings and being close to none of them, it showed me a different side of family. I think this story is so relatable to people all over the world. You did a magnificent job writing it. It is very easy to read. You wrote just like how a person would talk. I like that the two main characters were a brother and sister. It is so simple and so perfect. I think if you had the parents and doctor more apparent, it would not be such a great story. My favorite part is when Aaron writes, “I missed those nights that we would watch movies, or go fishing when we had nothing better to do.” Moments that seem unimportant right then can be so important later. That was the part that really made me fall in love with the story. That saying “only the good die young” is proven in this story. I also liked how you made Lizzi be a person that is so pure. After a year of her death, and Aaron writes that last letter saying “I know you would say to me that I deserved a second chance at life,” it becomes clear that her death is really what opened his eyes. At that moment, he made the decision to live for her. I also think your title is perfect. It is hard to imagine being in that situation. Your story is scary in the sense that it is true for someone. Of course, being in a coma is not a game. The fact that the doctor calls it a “waiting game,” and the fact that Aaron is the only person “up [there] visiting [her] every single day,” without being forced to do it and without their parents even being there, shows that he really is the only one who loves and cares for her. Something I would change about your story is the formatting. I do not know if when you put it on the website if it did something weird, but a little proofreading would not do any harm. That’s really the only negative thing I could come up with. It is sad in a different way than other stories are. It is something that could happen to anyone at any time. It is very real in every way. The way you wrote this story reminds me of Horrocks’ story “It Looks Like This,” Watson’s story “Ordinary Monsters,” and Wilson’s story “The Dead Sister’s Handbook: A Guide for Sensitive Boys.” They are not letter, but they have sections within the story. Or separate stories within the whole story. You also wrote very linear like all the authors we have read with the exception of Horrocks. You did a wonderful job and it was very creative. Your story hits home for someone and that is what makes it great.
ReplyDeleteKelly! I absolutely loved your story! I loved the way you structured it in that each paragraph reveals a little bit more about the narrator. Also the structure adds to the suspense of whether or not Aaron's sister is going to wake up from her coma. It gives the reader this anticipation and ever slightly hope to hold on to. Your use of first person point of view really helped give insight into Aaron's life and all the things that have molded him into the person he is now, while he is next to his sisters hospital bedside. I love that Aaron reveals why it is that he feels like such a bad brother, and how it all started. Revealing that he was depressed and got into drugs and self-harm and then got kicked out of his own families home gives the reader so much more compassion for Aaron and sympathy for the tough time he went through. The dates on the letters help the reader see Aaron's dependableness on being there waiting and hoping for his sister to wake up. It shows his maturity and responsibleness that he has as a young man and adds to the overall view of Aaron. Him sitting by her bedside just watching her, wondering what it would be like when she wakes up is sweet and so sad at the same time. The fact that his parents kind of gave up on him helps show his determination to prove them wrong and not give up on himself. I love that he is trying to prove that through being there for his sister. It adds even more emotional appeal when the reader realizes that Aaron has put all his hope in being a better person, and proving it, in his sister, and that she doesn't make it. But at the same time it give such hope that Aaron plans to live for his sister, that her death gave him a new life. Even though this is a sad story it gives so much hope in the end. It is a sweet kind of sad. The only thing I would change is, like Hayley said, add more letters to the story to give the reader even more insight to what is going on with Lizzie, and what her current condition is. I think that giving more detail to Lizzie's current condition, and the bumps and bruises that she must have from the accident, would give even more emotional appeal to the story and how horrible Aaron must feel for not being there for her sister before this. And also the formatting is a little off with the size of the font through out the story. But overall this was a great story and I really enjoyed reading it. You did a really good job. This story too reminded me of Horrock's stories in the way you introduced the story and the time frame that it was written. Like Horrock's you jump right in and use your narrator to give insight to the past through flashbacks. This kind of reminds me of "Zolaria" just because of the frequent flashbacks and use of first person point of view to really give insight and depth to the story. Overall this was a great story and loved how, though it is sad, you still gave hope in the end. It is such a sweet story. Great job Kelly!
ReplyDeleteI liked “The Waiting Game” by Kelly, it was a heartfelt story and a story that is believable. I like that it is written periodically giving you insight to how the brother feels throughout rather than written as a whole. I like that when the brother is talking he keeps saying “I don’t blame…” it is a common theme and is used to show understanding and reflection. I also like that in reflection the brother reflects on all the wrong that he has done in an attempt to bring his sister back, almost saying to God, if you can hear me, I would like to trade places with her, I am wrong, and she is the one who deserves to be in my shoes. I also like the part where she states, “The doctors said we’re still playing the “waiting game”. I really don’t think it’s a game. Games are usually fun and waiting for you to wake up isn’t much fun” I like this quote because it addresses the irony of the title and shows the significance of the situation. I like the fact that the brother is turning his life around in admiration of his sister, it shows that there is always two routes to take. I like that he states even though she is the younger of the two she has always been the mature one and has always taught him more about himself than he could have learned on his own. I think it takes place in a periodically logic way and flows well. I like that after all of the letters he writes one more saying that he finally has his thoughts together and knows what exactly he wants to say. Kelly does a good job here, because she shows the brother writing periodically to show that he knows there is something to be said, but he just can’t quite put it in the right words to describe exactly what he is feeling. He hints at what he wants to say, but needs to reflect a bit more to say exactly what he was feeling and what he wanted to tell her while she was unconscious. Unfortunately she passes away and this is what finally breaks him down to a point in where he can actually put into words what he is feeling, but sometimes is just takes that extra something.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t really not like anything about this story, like I said it flows smoothly and is very easy to read and comprehend. I guess she could have put in a time where Lizzi wakes up and writes down her thoughts to her brother or responds to what he has written so far, but it might mess up something along the way. I also wish that she could have read what he wrote before she went, it may have given her some peace to go with.
I think this reminds me most of “The dead sister’s handbook: A guide for sensitive boys” by Wilson in the way that it is structured and written. Overall, heck of a story, with a unique style.
I really thought this was a good story Kelly! I think it is perfect how Aaron is writing little letters to his sister because he really can’t talk to her. The structure of this story fits great because it shows us a little more about Lizzie and Aaron in each paragraph and having him reflect on all the memories that he had with his sister. I think that him doing that is so fitting with how he felt emotionally while he was just sitting there and could not do anything to help his sister so he was just reflecting the past. This story was very emotional and I think very relatable to many people because it is so true that you never really realize what you have until you lose it. Aaron would have given anything to go back and change the way he was and get to be with his sister again but now he can’t. I also thought that you made a good decision with having only Aaron’s feelings and thoughts about his sister and no one else’s because I think it helps show us how much he loved his sister and even kind of looked up to her even with her being 4 years younger than him. Another good choice that you made was by saying how Aaron is writing to his sister that he has stopped cutting himself and doing drugs, I thought that this helped add to the very last letter of his sister making him become a better person and it also makes the reader feel empathy toward Aaron because he is trying to be better and now he has to lose his sister along with already being depressed earlier in his life. I got a sense of hop in the story when Aaron said, “I’ve never met anyone stronger than you. If anyone could make it out of this it’s you, Lizzi.” I think that this sentence was the best one in the whole story because of the emotion that you get from it, I literally almost cried after reading it. Having 4 siblings that I would do anything for, made me realize how precious their lives are to you and how your siblings are your best friends and role models in life also. Maybe a couple things that I would have changed is I might have added a couple more letters before the very last letter just to give the reader more facts about their lives together, it would have added more emotion to the ending letter. Other than that, I thought it was great! The story it reminds me of the most is “the dead sister handbook: a guide for sensitive boys” because the format of the two stories were the exact same and because they both are about boys that are slowly losing their sisters and they both wished that they would have done something differently in their lives to help their sisters but they didn’t and now they are writing journals about how they are having to grieve about what happened to them.
ReplyDeleteThis was another great story. I've read most of the stories and had to comment on this one. What I really liked about this story is the unique way it is narrated. The confessional style letters remind me a bit of Kevin Wilson’s “Dead Sister Handbook: A guide for Sensitive Boys.” The stories are similar in dealing with the loss of a sister but different in the overall personalities of the two sisers. The way the letters were written is so believable. I could imagine Aaron’s mindset as he sat down to write these letters to his sister. I felt for him as he struggled to communicate with his sister who he had obviously lost contact with. I think that my favorite aspect of this story is the lost relationship between Aaron and Lizzi. I also think that Is the stem of most of Aaron’s problems. The writing does a great job of illustrating Aaron’s struggle to come to terms with his abandonment of his sister before the accident and how he wishes he had more time now. It’s a little cliché but it is well done. The story is familiar of a person who believes that there will be more time to work out feelings with a loved one then has problems coping with heir passing and the unresolved emotions. The way the story is presented is unique though. Another unique aspect of the story is the innocence of Lizzi. Not to use the magic word, but there is great deal of juxtaposition between Aaron and Lilli and your story works with it. Then there are some points of the story I would have changed. I would change the length of the last letter. It seems a little light handed for the resolution. I guess I just wanted to know a little more about Aaron’s redemption. Then again there was a short word count so you could not really add to the end without losing anything from the previous letters. Another thing I don’t mean to be too critical but I didn’t really like the whole waiting game section. “The doctors said we’re still playing the “waiting game”. I really don’t think it’s a game. Games are usually fun and waiting for you to wake up isn’t much fun.” This makes the narrator sound like he’s younger than her or doesn’t quite grasp the magnitude of everything. Then it turns right around and starts talking about him cutting himself and using drugs. It just transitions to really light to really heavy and doesn’t seem to quite fit. Overall though I liked your story and think its really good.
ReplyDeleteI really like the format of writing that you chose. It makes this all seem all that much more personal. The relationship you created between the brother and sister was beautifully betrayed through the brother's words. I appreciate the balance made by the drug dealing brother and the sister who was "always so sweet and innocent". I liked the way you didn't just come out and explain the situation, you allowed the reader to come to his own assumptions. The story reminds me of the relationship betw
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I loved this story! This was probably my favorite short story that I have read. I loved how you organized the story into letters, which was very creative. If flowed very well. It made me connect with the brother and his emotions towards his sister and his life. With each letter more was revealed about both of their lives, which kept me engaged in the whole story. This story was very relatable to me and one of my siblings. I really like that the brother wasn’t forced to be there by the sister’s side and that he didn’t have to write her letters, that gives the story so much more meaning. I also like that with each letter the brother writes he is being honest with his emotions and feelings. It really makes the reader sympathize with brother and makes me want the sister to pull through so much more. I think the age difference between the siblings is great too. Thirteen is old enough to have experienced some things in life, but is too young to die. The part where you say “I really don’t think it’s a game. Games are usually fun and waiting for you to wake up isn’t much fun” really ties in the whole story. The brother is full of hope that his sister will soon wake up from the horrible accident she was in, but at the same time knows that the more time that passes he will still lose part of her. I also like that through these letters the brother is confessing himself to the sister. “I’m not who I used to be, Lizzi. I’ve changed since mom and dad kicked me out. Living with Uncle Robert has been life changing. I don’t cut myself anymore, and I don’t sell drugs; I don’t even do them myself. It’s been a hard three years but I know you’ll like the new me if you ever wake up in time to meet me.” He wants more than anything for the sister to wake up and see that he has changed. He doesn’t want her to leave the world knowing of him how he used to be. That part of the story really hits home with me. I didn’t predict the ending to be so sad though! The whole time reading the letters I was hoping for the sister to wake up and be okay, so great twist on that! I also felt that through the whole “waiting game” the brother found that in a terrible situation, he has a chance to make his life better.
ReplyDeleteIt’s really hard to give negative criticism on this story. If there’s anything you should change, I would say maybe add a few more letters to the end. Maybe have the brother reflecting back after a year that she’s passed, that way the reader knows if he really did turn his life around or not. Other than that, I loved everything about your story.
This story reminded me of Kevin Wilson’s “The Dead Sister Handbook” just in the way it was formatted and having each section reveal a little more about the characters’ lives.
Overall, great read! I really enjoyed it!
Comment from Nikki Culver:
ReplyDeleteWhen I first saw the letter structure, I got really excited. I love when a story is done with letters, because it allows so much room to play with the character and how they feel. When someone is writing a letter to just one other person, they’re more likely to be honest with their thoughts and emotions than if they’re telling it to them in person, where other people could overhear. I’ve always found it easier to write down the things I want to say when it’s hard to say it to someone’s face. The letter format of this story really enhanced it, I think.
Right away, you know that the person writing the letters is in the hospital room of someone he cares about, with the balloons and teddy bears. You can tell that he cares by the way he talks about her and at first, I thought that they were in love, until I realized it was his sister. As a younger sister, this hit me really hard and made me wonder if my own older brothers would feel the same way if something happened to me.
I love that the spacing between the letters in the story. It would have really hurt the story to do a letter every day, because there wouldn’t be much to say, but the fact that the second letter is five days after the first, and then another five days to the third and fourth, and then only four days and the last one is a whole year. The first ones are great, because it shows the reader what Aaron is feeling and thinking while he’s feeling and thinking it, but the final one is written in retrospect. He even says he’s writing now because he’s finally been able to figure out what he thinks and how he feels.
There were a few grammatical errors that weren’t a big deal, like punctuation in the wrong place. Punctuation should always go inside quotation marks. This didn’t pull me away from the story too much, but it would only HELP the story to fix these things.
I like how you slowly reveal to the reader what has happened with Lizzi over the course of the letters, not all at once. You let the narrator talk about it in his letters to her, instead of just telling us that she was hit by a car. This is much more powerful, because we get to see what it means to him that his sister was hit.
It really made me sad at the end that it took a whole year for him to be able to write to her again. He’s so hit with survivor’s guilt but he’s thankful to her for showing him that he has a purpose in life, even though we never really find out what that is.
This story reminds me of a few different ones, like “Zolaria,” with the flashbacks and loss of a loved one, “Steal Small” with the thoughts of doing whatever you can to protect those you love and feeling guilty when you can’t and it also reminded me of the “Dead Sister Handbook” story because of the unique structure.
I really liked this story, it was just so touching.