It’s Just Me.
I hated my parents. I hated my brothers. I hated school. I
hated going to church. Well, I guess I hated everything and everyone, and they
hated me. For as long as I can remember - it was just me. Alone. On my own.
Graduation was stupid, seriously – who cares about getting a
diploma and dressing up in a cheap gown, wearing a ridiculous hat. There were
some things I suppose that I didn’t hate so much. For instance, my
long-distance boyfriend, who I thought was the love of my life. I just didn’t
like anything else. And since my boyfriend was 3,000 miles away, it really was
just me.
California wasn’t too bad. I knew I had to get out of this
God-For-Saken town. I had no money. No car. I finally found my
get-out-of-jail-free card, landing a job as a live-in nanny for the summer,
sending me to California. I didn’t realize how alone I was until my parents
dropped me off. They took my bag out of the car, handed me over to my new
employers, and left. No hug. No kiss. No “I love yous” or “be careful”, or “call
us when you get settled in”. That was the beginning, or I suppose the end. But
things were ok, I mean- I did have my “boyfriend”.
When I finally got moved into the home that I would be
living in for the months preceding college- with complete strangers, I briefly
felt a sense of purpose, and for a moment, I was happy- like I had a new
family, that didn’t know me, or my past, or my boyfriend. This newfound
excitement and happiness didn’t last long. It was only a few days into my new job
when it all came crashing down. I was playing with the kids, as they dared me
to jump and touch the highest peak in the ceiling. As a high jump State
Champion, I took on this dare.
Before I knew it, he
soon joined in. After a few rounds, he
grabbed my arm and whispered to me if I was on birth control. Speechless. How
do you respond to that? To a complete stranger? Let alone my boss, and the
father of the children that had been entrusted in my care? Naiveté was my worst
enemy. I was confused. I didn’t know what he
meant, or why he would ask me THAT
question. A running phrase kept swirling in my head: “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN”?
A week later I had to
drive to a second home that the family had on the beach…all alone with him. What happened in that house will
stay with me forever-it’s unforgettable. It ruined my life, or what was left of
it. It didn’t happen once, but too many times for me to remember. I couldn’t
tell his wife, because she would fire me, which was the worst case scenario
because I would have to fly back home and face my parents, their accusations
and my “failure” to keep a job. I couldn’t confide in my parents because quite
frankly we didn’t even like each other, and I knew they wouldn’t understand-
that they would blame me; “You’re too promiscuous, your shorts are too short,
you flirt with everyone”. That’s not what I wanted to hear, or could endure.
It took me a long time, but on the family vacation in Vegas when
the parents were out drinking and gambling, and the kids asleep and safe, I
stepped out into the hallway of the hotel and decided to make the only phone
call I felt I could. I called my boyfriend. See, regardless of my feelings, and
my rebellions, I did believe in waiting until I was married to have sex- and so
did my boyfriend. Well, being the good and loyal man he was, he dumped me. I
was spoiled, ruined, damaged. And once again…it was just me, enduring a summer
of continuous violation.
I tried locking my door at night. It worked for a few days,
until he decided the doorknob was unfit,
and replaced it with one without a lock. So, night after night, or when the
wife was away, I relived a hell that is indescribable.
College wasn’t too bad. I joined a sorority because my
father wouldn’t let me access my own money that he controlled, unless I was in
one. I did the whole “Rush” thing and tried to find a place where I fit in. I
joined, didn’t fit in, got a private room that I hid away in from everyone. I
didn’t make friends. I didn’t talk to my family. I didn’t answer my phone, or
even open the door when “friends” were banging on it. I was miserable. I had
hit rock bottom. You see, it was just me, and I was beginning to accept it.
Email ruined everything. One day, checking my email I wasn’t
too surprised too see an email from the dad, as he would sometimes check in, give updates from his job in the city,
or things he needed me to do with the
kids. What I was surprised about was the fact that he liked my purple thong. Apparently, it got mixed in with
everyone’s laundry and it clearly didn’t belong to his wife. I was terrified. I
couldn’t lose everything I had built. Everything I had overcome. So, I ignored
him. I ignored the advances. I ignored him staying up late after I got home
from my second job, which was part time, so we could “hang out” and watch the
Red Sox. I ignored it all. If I didn’t acknowledge it, then it couldn’t be
true.
The secrecy and self induced ignorance ended the day his
wife saw the multiple emails he had
sent me. I don’t know how, but she saw them. Even though I never replied- the
damage was done. She couldn’t have someone in her house unknowingly tempting
her husband.
I had three hours to pack everything and get out. Out of
sheer necessity, I called my parents. I had to. I had to fly home. When I tried
to explain…Well, I got what I expected. “I must have led him on”, “I wasn’t
careful”-“I should’ve told his wife first”. They hated me. They despised me.
How could their daughter who was “raised better than that” shame them, the
family and myself.
You see, no matter what- it’ll always just be me.
Caitlin Joanne Skaarer-Lynch
I seriously loved this story. I feel like it was very relatable to readers in an emotional sense. It was so honest, and seemed like such a true, emotion filled story. I specifically liked the beginning when it says “I hated everything and everyone,” and also the part that says “it was just me,” which also ties into the title of the story. Everyone feels alone sometimes, and I feel like starting the story this way really drags the reader in. It dragged me in, anyways. Then, the story gets even better. The fact that this girl leaves her family for a summer to go stay in California with a family that she doesn’t even know. That would be scary to begin with. Also, having a long distance boyfriend. My boyfriend lives 6 hours away from me right now. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to have a boyfriend 3,000 miles away. It was sad to begin with that this poor girl is taken advantage of by this man who should have been warm and welcoming to the girl that would be taking care of his children. It became even sadder, to me, that the girl had no one to talk to about what was going on. She had no advice from anyone, and when she finally did get the guts to say something her boyfriend broke up with her because she was no longer a virgin, or no longer pure. I like, also, how things begin to look up for the girl finally. She moves away and starts a life for herself, but then it all goes wrong again because of the man’s persistency in trying to talk to the girl.
ReplyDeleteThat’s honestly what I would change about the story, the fact that she begins to turn her life around, and then it is like all of her effort is kind of for nothing. I probably would have just changed the ending and let things work out for her, but then again, this is supposed to be like the stories we read in class which mostly ended badly. I also would have liked to read some about the children that she nannies. I think that would have been interesting, also.
This story was very Danielle Evans-y to me. The way it was written from the narrator’s point of view, and cut straight to the point. Most of Danielle Evans story were very relatable regardless of the age, gender, or race of the narrator. It specifically reminded me of Danielle Evan’s story “Virgins,” where the little girls become a little too eager, and curious about growing up, and one of the little girls most likely gets raped. I guess this story reminds me of “Virgins” mostly because of the rape scenario, but also the first person narration, and the straight forward style of writing is also similar. I really enjoyed reading this story, though. It was really great. I think that you did a very fantastic job!
This is a very intense short story that I found to be a captivating read. This story had a phenomenal exposition that allowed the story to start out with a high amount of inferred character development, which also set up the framework for the main plot points to occur. This short story invoked emotional responses at many levels through the intricate dynamics of the narrator’s various relationships in her life, and then culminated them together into a centralized theme using the predominantly introverted point of view that she expressed so vividly. In one way or another, at least one of the numerous issues that the narrator deals with can be related to by just about anyone, and this relativity causes the reader to form a powerful empathetic bond with the main character. The negative relationships that the narrator dealt with prior to her babysitting job adds to the hopeless sense of confusion at dealing with such a horrifying event, and further invokes a feeling of injustice from the reader. The way that the familial discrepancies are presented allows a more complete understanding of the main character’s background than would be available through the typical first person narration, helps the reader understand the reasons that the narrator is in denial, and gives a sense of understanding as to why she is so desperate for some type of conformity with those around her. The first person perspective helps direct the reader onto the side of the narrator, causing us to feel as if life is out to get her, which essentially validates her innocence. The father would not look so villainous without the sense of validated purity with which the narrator is portrayed, thus making him easier to hate, and making the main character a true, innocent victim of a crime that she didn’t provoke. This made her appear as more than just a victim of a solitary injustice, but an innocent victim of a cruel life altogether.
ReplyDeleteThe form of this story definitely fits the function of your thesis, and was flawless in that aspect, but I feel that the lack of someone on the narrator’s side allows for a little too much biased emotion. Without another character affirming the injustice felt by the narrator, the portrayed sense of validation could seem slightly less than genuine to some readers. Other than that, I think that this story was very well done for what it was trying to accomplish.
A lot of the themes in this story made me think back to Horrocks’ Steal Small. Many of the themes are similar, but with a slight twist. The family dysfunction, the sexual abuse of an innocent child, and the punishment that the narrator inflicts on themselves out of not knowing how to deal with a tragic event like this are perfect examples of the shared similarities.
I think the best element of this story was how well the narrator matched her description. You did a really great job of making the narrator seem like she was an eighteen or nineteen-year-old girl, fresh out of high school with a poor attitude. She’s dramatic and whiny and very young, so it’s easy for the reader to get a sense of who she is and believe it throughout the story. The story is broken into pieces and the way you’ve formatted your paper really helps the reader digest what is happening without getting confused and having to read parts multiple times to grasp the events. In these aspects, I feel you’ve done very well! That being said, there are actually a few things I would change (which is new). I really would have loved to see the narrator fight back. She has this attitude like the world is so against her but she never fights back. I would have enjoyed an ending in which she blossoms from this whiny school girl into someone who takes charge of her future and takes care of herself but the story ends with, “you see, no matter what- it’ll always just be me.” I would have appreciated a little perseverance. The narrator kind of reminded me of George from “Someone Ought to Tell Her” by Evans because Georgie also complained a lot and had an attitude like the world owed him something, but neither of these characters work for it, to me, they accept defeat. Georgie didn’t get a real job when he came back, he babysat for Lanae and wonders why his life isn’t going the way he wants. I feel the same sense of defeat in your narrator. Another thing that I think could have been improved was the depth of this story. I feel like a lot of people would disagree with me here, but I just felt like it was kind of superficial. I understand that you’ve included rape, which shouldn’t seem like it is lacking depth but as a reader, it felt like it. The narrator’s description of that experience and the way that she felt might have been more believable to a reader if there were other characters in the story that supported the claims you’ve made as a writer about this narrator. Also, from a reader’s perspective, the narrator lost credibility with me when she chose to take a job that would put her in the same susceptible situation as before. It also makes the story itself seem less believable because I can’t imagine someone going through that and putting him or herself in that situation again. I don’t want to be insensitive to the material of this story, but speaking to a writer, it seemed redundant. The choice you made in sending her back into that position made the story seem very unbelievable to me and therefore made it less enjoyable to read. Now that I’ve said ALL of that, I think you did a great job. It is evident that you took your time and thought this character through very well.
ReplyDelete