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She sat on the porch of their run-down
town home and watched the sun rise.
The dull roar of the city awakening ruined the beauty of it all. This was never what she wanted: city
life, city folk, people who go to work 9 to 5 and come home to their boring
lives with someone who just seemed okay enough to marry. She wanted big blue skies and open
fields for miles and miles.
Her wedding was as good as it could’ve been
under the circumstances. Her
husband was a boring monotone 27-going-on-50 accountant at a firm in the inner
city. They met in college, and he was nice and cared just enough to ask for her
hand in marriage. She had always wanted a big wedding,
with a show-stopping ball gown that made everyone’s jaws drop. She had never
really understood the point of it all: a big celebration of the ending of her
life as she knew it. At least she would be secure. Security could equal
happiness, maybe. As she walked down the aisle, she felt beautiful, but also
felt nothing. He cried as she approached, and she wanted to slap him. “How dare
you try to fool these people into believing you love me,” she wanted to scream.
Instead, the words
“I Do.”
·
She
experienced the naïve feeling of true love, happiness and infatuation at a
young age. She was 15 when they met, and he was 17-- an older boy with charm
bursting out of his ears. Four months later, she was no longer a virgin. He
told her it would be okay, that he loved her like no one else ever could. It
happened fast and painfully, and then it was over. It was all over. Her life as
she knew it, over.
·
“Honey,
wake up, how long have you been out here?”
“I
must have fallen asleep.”
“I’m
going to go cook some lunch, you want anything?”
“No.
No that’s ok. I think I’ll stay out here for a little while.”
He paused, looked
into her face, right through her, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he was
regretting putting that ring on her finger. She though she should ask him about
his day, but what good would that do them now? When she looked up again he was gone, the screen door
rattling as if announcing his departure.
·
After
the first year of what she considered her first true love, she found opiates in
his truck.
“They’re
just pills,” he had told her. “Not a big deal.”
Next, came the
needles. He reassured her it was
still all fine. 16 and in love, nothing could stop them. She once got a call from a friend of his
saying that they found him on the side of the road and he couldn’t remember his
own name. Of course, she always ran to his aid. Seeing someone in such a
hopeless state of desperation ignited her motherly instinct, and from then on all she
wanted to do was fix the broken. When she finally graduated with a masters in addiction recovery,
she realized that not everything that was broken could be fixed.
·
She
had an appointment with a patient at four, but she had already planned to
cancel. She didn’t feel like she was in the right state of mind to hear the sad
shocking confessions of a young drug addict. Outside, the air became cool, and
she felt a sense of complacency overcome her.
·
She
woke up sweating, shaking, and petrified. Somehow she was in her own bed again.
“Bad
dream again?” her husband asked, half-awake.
“It’s
nothing.”
That wasn’t entirely
a lie, she convinced herself. To him it would be nothing. The dream was one of
many horrific flashback dreams she often wakes up to. Needles being repeatedly
stuck in her forearm, then waking up in the hospital all over again. She would
sit up and see him at the end of her hospital bed, staring at her with a sick
sad hopeless desperation, trying to make her understand. It was okay, he was
just trying to unite them, drug addiction and all.
The
phone rang. For a split second, she thought it could be him.
She hadn’t heard from
him since rehab. She didn’t know where he was, who he was, if he ever even
thought of her. His mother credited her with saving his life, but to her, she
seemed much less important than that.
“Hello,
this is Doctor Shepherd calling for—“
“Hello
Doctor, good to hear from you.”
“Yes,
I’m going to need you to come in as soon as possible to discuss your results.
You might want to bring your husb---“
“No,
that’s ok. I can make it within the hour.”
·
She
looked off into the distance, as if hoping to see something in the clouds she
had never seen before: An answer, a sign, an escape. Yet all she saw was her
husband climbing the porch steps before her. He saw something in her face and
quietly sat down next to her. She realized she loved that about him: his kind
and understanding nature. He could always read her emotions on her face. They
sat in silence, watching the
sunset and listening to each other breathe.
“I
have HIV,” she said.
The
silence was heavy and cold as the sun set beneath the skyline.
§
He
decided to go to rehab after her hospital visit. The guilt of causing her
overdose was too much for him to handle along with the consistent pressure from
loved ones to get help. They sat in the car at 3 AM in a parking lot she had
never been in. He had called her for the last time to say goodbye before he
left for treatment for six months. They held hands and cried for a long time.
Neither had to say anything, they both understood what was unspoken.
“I love you,” he said, “and everything will be okay someday. We’ll be okay.”
“I love you,” he said, “and everything will be okay someday. We’ll be okay.”
She
wanted so badly to believe him. The car door shut, and she listened to the
rough crackle of his engine as he drove away.